Please help me out here, im working on writing a story any helpfull feedback is appreciated!(10 points given)?

Let me know who Zephon is. Your action is good here, but I don't know these people. I find when writing it helps to know your characters. Not just their names, but who they are what the eat, what they smell, what they wear and how they look. What's important to them. The situation you have, but I don't know Helena from Lissandra. Let me feel them.